can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
