On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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