I wish my penis had an off switch
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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