you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
