I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
did i just pee glitter
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
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