she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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