Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
