I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I just sucked dick on a ferry
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
