I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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