Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
