You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
