Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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