one word: firstdatebathroomanal
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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