he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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