Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
My feet surprised me
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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