my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
