dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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