Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
