when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
