hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Hippo gnu deer
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
