and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
