If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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