I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
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