I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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