4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
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