I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
