Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
