I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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