My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
