I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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