So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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