The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
