I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
