The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
