Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
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