I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
