so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
