Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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