I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
The Olympian is in my bed
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
