i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize