last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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