Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
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