I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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