Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
