youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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