I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
