dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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