he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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