Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize