I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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