life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize
