How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
