I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
