Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
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