I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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