I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
