I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
